A glimpse from the past

Ellen says:It is the relationship with my father that stands out most when I think back on my wedding day. I see him hanging around me, or onto me, as if he didn't quite know how to say goodbye. While my mother was bustling about in a matter-of-fact mode, my father seemed lost. He wandered around with a hazy look on his face, not quite sure where to be or what to say. I remember that he wanted to talk to me and that I was not in the mood. I had all these "details" that I had to take care of. Of course, knowing what I know now, I see many of those details as a convenient shield against the emotions that threatened to pour down my face. I also did not know how to say goodbye. I didn't even know that I was supposed to say goodbye!

One moment in my wedding day brings tears to my eyes when I think about it. My father gave me a necklace as a symbolic gesture of his love (and probably, in some way, a goodbye). Then, right before we were to walk down the aisle, he wanted to get mushy ("mushy" is how it felt to me at the time). But I did not want to be crying as I walked down the aisle and I was angry at him for being sentimental at the wrong time. So I ignored him, or turned away. I shut him out because I was in no way prepared for the emotions a conversation such as that would have illicited. I know I must have hurt his feelings. I know I lost a precious opportunity myself. I would have liked him to approach me that morning or the day before. I wonder if some part of him purposely chose a time that we could not fully express our emotions. To fully recognize and express the largeness of this moment would have been too hard for him as well.

I have no idea if he has any left over feelings about that day. I would like to talk with him about it. The wedding changed our relationship in many ways, ways that I was not even conscious of until now. It is painful to think about it. I am realizing that I did lose my father that day. It must have been so hard for him and I was not sensitive to it at all. But how could I have been? I had no idea what was happening. In hindsight, I can only imagine what it must have felt like to be "replaced". I bet it did not feel very good.

Lately I have been aware that a subtle shift occurred after my wedding day in the way he relates to me. I believe now that it has to do with him not knowing how he fits into my life anymore. He was always very good at giving advice and telling me what to do. I obviously do not need that anymore (and probably never did to the degree he thought!), but I need to talk to him and let him know what it is that I do need from him. I think it would really help us both.