Forgiveness Depends on More Than the Apology

Ellen says: From the foundation of trust and love, children accept and forgive mistakes we make. From a less solid foundation, children allow mistakes to stand for the whole. The key to being forgiven for the mistakes we all will inevitably make is not a convincing and heartfelt apology - is always showing love, thus making it clear that a mistake and not an indication of lack of interest.

Like many busy parent my sister Reyna had made her share of excuses for missing school events, games and other commitments she'd made to her children. "Something came up, I'm sorry," she would say.

"Something always comes up." her children would respond

"I will be there next time." my sister Reyna would reply, drawing only a heartbreaking look of resignation from her children.

She apologized in every way she could. She would make promises She would offer bribe. But there was no way around the fact that more and more the apology didn't matter.. Her behavior had overwhelmed her ability to apologize for it.

My sister Reyna changed her approach. No more special trips to make up for her missing something. Now special trips would be special trips, taken because they were fun. And recognizing that things do come up, she cut down on her promises.

She realized, she earn forgiveness, before she do something as much or more than after she do it. Apologizing all the time was like trying to pay a debt with a high interest rate. And she wasn't making any progress and each week she just dug herself in deeper. Now, she is ahead of the game and it is easier for her children to see how much she care - not just about how they feel about her, but about them.