when things go tough...

Dom says: Life here has been getting tough and a bit controversial....Consider reading these two emails so you will get through my bones....

From: Abbot Philip Lawrence, OSB
Subject: Blessings to you!
To: "Dom Lawrence Pilarca"
Date: Monday, June 2, 2008, 7:22 AM

6/2/08
Dear Brother Lawrence,

Blessings to you! You know that I love you and support you. But please try to be at things on time. There are going to be questions about your going away to school if you are not able to lead our monastic life. I don't want to put that kind of pressure on you. On the other hand, there is surely some validity to wondering if you should be going off to school when you are surely not back onto a normal life after your period of counseling. But think about it and pray about it. Be assured of my prayers for you!

Your brother in the Lord,

Abbot Philip


....and here is my email reply which I sent shortly after reading his email which I only opened up this morning of JUne 3rd, 7:20AM

Dear Fr Abbot,
Thank you for your beautiful email- which gave me so much hope and a big push to keep me going with my attendance in the daily performance of the Offices, and I am proud to tell you that this morning, I was not late for VIGILS nor at LAUDS....I am doing my very best to keep going and be visible despite the ongoing processes in me..
I want to tell you that I am now towards the end of counseling with Hannah Leigh. I am done and through with issues and had resolved them... about my biological father, brother bernardo and with eileen- my ex girlfriend

But I still have to see her at least twice a month before my supposed to be going to school come August.

Just to give you a bit of what is going on now in my counseling with her: my next appointment with her will be on June 19th- to process and discuss the last issue that has been giving me difficulty ever since, that has so much and close relationship with my biological father exercising his kind of abusive authority to me that tormented me all these years in my life.

This is the kind of thing that prevents me from being at ease with you in times and moments when we are having face-to-face encounter with each other. I guess you are very much well aware that I am most at ease with you when I am writing emails like this- as i can express myself so well if need be, but not when we talk to each other face-to-face.

Please let know that i love you so much as my father and superior but there are things that I need to resolve to be able to overcome such barriers and hindrances that keep me from interacting face-to-face with you effectively--I guess, again, you knew that so well!- things that keep me from being that fluid with you...and etc etc...Well, maybe the root of all these is my different outlook and overall thoughts on how I look at someone like you who carries a father figure with authority at home.

I hope I am able to express to you what I am trying to tell you here. Please feel free to confer with Hannah Leigh and spare a moment of your busy hours with her to get the full, clear details about this matter.

About my going to school- of course you know very well just at the very start of my counseling session, that the main motivation of why I consented myself of undergoing counseling is, besides the fact that I want to be a good brother to the rest of the brothers in the community, is my going to school!...

Maybe, 80 percent of the reason why I allowed myself to undergo these difficult, mind boggling, emotionally draining, nerve wracking counseling procedures, is because I want to go to the seminary with no problems that may bug me which in the end may hamper my seminary life-...and 20 percent goes to my goal that pertains to my social assimilation and integration with the brothers in the community with peace and harmony.
I am just thinking- if and when that my getting late occasionally now in the Divine offices will be the gauge of my not going to school- then these efforts will defeat the purpose! My almost three months of efforts will seem to just go to waste, I don't know if i am thinking right about this. Please correct me if I am wrong about it.

On the other hand and at the outset, I am very grateful that you are telling me these so that I can prepare myself emotionally and in the end, I will be able to accept things and decisions coming from you with a peaceful heart and an untroubled mind.

I fully understand your situation of why you wrote me this email. If I will put myself in your shoes, I will probably do the same.

And yes, I will keep thinking and praying about this as I have been doing it because I cannot deny the fact that although I was in the academe for several years of my life before I became a monk, and has been accustomed to school matters and all that, yet, still I have some apprehensions whether I will make it to go back in school after several years of being away from it considering my age now. I am asking myself that often. Will i be able to still memorize and put up with my school professors despite my age?

Well, dear father- i am trying to be transparent with you now... such actions may help me improve my dealings with you and be able to overcome the complex that had been grasping me all these years.

...till here and thank you and i truly appreciate your love and compassion for me!
I love you,

Dom Lawrence, OSB