i am going out on a date

Gbex says: There is one moment in our life when we turn to someone who has stood beside us through thick and thin...

There is someone in our life who have so much influence in our life's decisions and convictions.

There is that someone in our life whom you can kick off your shoes, show your weaknesses, and just be yourself.

That someone is probably the one whom you have stayed with for the rest of your life. That someone could be your constant date. That someone could be your mother, your spouse, your girlfriend, your boyfriend, your friend, your God.

I have that someone, too, whom I have been in communion with since I was a toddler. That someone is the blessed Mother.

I am going on a date with the Blessed Mother on August 15th- the day of the feast of the Assumption of the Blessed Mother.

A Text Message

Ellen says:Almost everyday, I usually get forwarded messages from so many good friends of mine...but then, the text message I received today touched me in a way.


"Your most important appointment today is your appointment with the heavenly Father"

This text message I received recently made me realize how often I have set aside my prayertime because of my other seemingly "pressing and more" urgent appointments.

I hope that this forwarded message will serve as my eye-opener that nothing is more important than my appointment with our heavenly Father.

a symbol...

Dom says: The word cross was introduced to English in the 10th century as the term for the instrument of the torturous execution of Christ (gradually replacing the earlier word rood), ultimately from Latin crux, via Old Irish cros.

The word can nowadays refer to the geometrical shape unrelated to its Christian significance. The Latin Crux (translating Greek stauros) was a Roman torture device used for crucifixion.

Also known as the Latin cross or crux ordinaria, it is the most common symbol of Christianity, intended to represent the death of Jesus when He was crucified on the True Cross and His resurrection in the New Testament.

silent river runs deep...

Dom says: The dirt road leading to the first signs of civilization is paralleled with a river that goes with it from the location where my monastery is located up a 6,800 feet valley in Chama district down to Abiquiu District.

During summer, Chama river, as what it is called by most of us since it is bounded by the Chama District in New Mexico, is the favorite place for boating and rafting spree of rafters and boatmen from up Colorado down to New Mexico...
I have not personally tried boating in the river but is thinking of trying the sports as soon as I get enough freetime from the routine of the monastery.

when things go tough...

Dom says: Life here has been getting tough and a bit controversial....Consider reading these two emails so you will get through my bones....

From: Abbot Philip Lawrence, OSB
Subject: Blessings to you!
To: "Dom Lawrence Pilarca"
Date: Monday, June 2, 2008, 7:22 AM

6/2/08
Dear Brother Lawrence,

Blessings to you! You know that I love you and support you. But please try to be at things on time. There are going to be questions about your going away to school if you are not able to lead our monastic life. I don't want to put that kind of pressure on you. On the other hand, there is surely some validity to wondering if you should be going off to school when you are surely not back onto a normal life after your period of counseling. But think about it and pray about it. Be assured of my prayers for you!

Your brother in the Lord,

Abbot Philip


....and here is my email reply which I sent shortly after reading his email which I only opened up this morning of JUne 3rd, 7:20AM

Dear Fr Abbot,
Thank you for your beautiful email- which gave me so much hope and a big push to keep me going with my attendance in the daily performance of the Offices, and I am proud to tell you that this morning, I was not late for VIGILS nor at LAUDS....I am doing my very best to keep going and be visible despite the ongoing processes in me..
I want to tell you that I am now towards the end of counseling with Hannah Leigh. I am done and through with issues and had resolved them... about my biological father, brother bernardo and with eileen- my ex girlfriend

But I still have to see her at least twice a month before my supposed to be going to school come August.

Just to give you a bit of what is going on now in my counseling with her: my next appointment with her will be on June 19th- to process and discuss the last issue that has been giving me difficulty ever since, that has so much and close relationship with my biological father exercising his kind of abusive authority to me that tormented me all these years in my life.

This is the kind of thing that prevents me from being at ease with you in times and moments when we are having face-to-face encounter with each other. I guess you are very much well aware that I am most at ease with you when I am writing emails like this- as i can express myself so well if need be, but not when we talk to each other face-to-face.

Please let know that i love you so much as my father and superior but there are things that I need to resolve to be able to overcome such barriers and hindrances that keep me from interacting face-to-face with you effectively--I guess, again, you knew that so well!- things that keep me from being that fluid with you...and etc etc...Well, maybe the root of all these is my different outlook and overall thoughts on how I look at someone like you who carries a father figure with authority at home.

I hope I am able to express to you what I am trying to tell you here. Please feel free to confer with Hannah Leigh and spare a moment of your busy hours with her to get the full, clear details about this matter.

About my going to school- of course you know very well just at the very start of my counseling session, that the main motivation of why I consented myself of undergoing counseling is, besides the fact that I want to be a good brother to the rest of the brothers in the community, is my going to school!...

Maybe, 80 percent of the reason why I allowed myself to undergo these difficult, mind boggling, emotionally draining, nerve wracking counseling procedures, is because I want to go to the seminary with no problems that may bug me which in the end may hamper my seminary life-...and 20 percent goes to my goal that pertains to my social assimilation and integration with the brothers in the community with peace and harmony.
I am just thinking- if and when that my getting late occasionally now in the Divine offices will be the gauge of my not going to school- then these efforts will defeat the purpose! My almost three months of efforts will seem to just go to waste, I don't know if i am thinking right about this. Please correct me if I am wrong about it.

On the other hand and at the outset, I am very grateful that you are telling me these so that I can prepare myself emotionally and in the end, I will be able to accept things and decisions coming from you with a peaceful heart and an untroubled mind.

I fully understand your situation of why you wrote me this email. If I will put myself in your shoes, I will probably do the same.

And yes, I will keep thinking and praying about this as I have been doing it because I cannot deny the fact that although I was in the academe for several years of my life before I became a monk, and has been accustomed to school matters and all that, yet, still I have some apprehensions whether I will make it to go back in school after several years of being away from it considering my age now. I am asking myself that often. Will i be able to still memorize and put up with my school professors despite my age?

Well, dear father- i am trying to be transparent with you now... such actions may help me improve my dealings with you and be able to overcome the complex that had been grasping me all these years.

...till here and thank you and i truly appreciate your love and compassion for me!
I love you,

Dom Lawrence, OSB

reminders...reminders...reminders...(sigh!!!)

On Sun, 6/1/08, Abbot Philip Lawrence, OSB wrote:...
From: Abbot Philip Lawrence, OSB
Subject: Blessings to you!
To: "Dom Lawrence Pilarca"
Date: Sunday, June 1, 2008, 7:10 AM
6/1/08
Dear Dom Lawrence,
Blessings to you! I know that you are still in counseling and that there are times when you need extra rest. On the other hand, I expect you to communicate about that now and not just presume that you can skip things in the community without accountability.

That is not too much to ask of someone who has made a lifetime commitment to the community. If you were a married man, your wife would certainly insist on knowing what was happening and when and why you were not present.

You are not a bachelor happening to live in an apartment house full of monks. So please be in touch when you need to be absent from things. That is not too much to ask of you.
Your brother in the Lord,Abbot Philip
my response email
Dear Fr Abbot,
Greetings and thanks for reminding me, and I truly appreciate your notifying me about it.
The next time when I do my exercises in body-centered trauma and grief processing thru self- desensitization, I will inform you ahead of time.
I deeply apologize for not telling you ahead of time the activity that I needed to do in connection with my on-going processes.
Thanks again, and i love you.
dom lawrence, OSB

at the end of the rainbow is a pot of gold(?)

Gbex says: They say that "at the end of the rainbow is a pot of gold!" Is this statement a fact or myth? Well, in my capacity as science enthusiast, I think the statement is myth and is not a fact.
Rainbow is an optical and meteorological phenomenom that causes a spectrum of light to appear in the sky when the sun shines onto droplets of moisture in the earth's atmosphere.

They take the form of a multi colored arc, with red on the outer part of the arch and violet on the inner section of the arch. Rarely, a secondary rainbow is seen, which is a second, fainter arc, outside the primary arc, with colors in the opposite order, that is, with violet on the outside and red on the inside.

Rainbows can be caused by other forms of water than rain, including mist, spray, dew, fog, and ice. Moreover, rainbows can have shapes other than a bow (arc), including stripes, circles, or even flames.

a beautiful but dangerous Mayon volcano

Dom says: Mayon Volcano is an active volcano. A volcano is an opening, or rupture, in a planet's surface or crust, which allows hot, molten rock, ash, and gases to escape from below the surface.

Mayon Volcano is an active stratovolcano in the Philippines on the island of Luzon, in the province of Albay in the Bicol Region. The near perfectly cone shaped volcano is situated 15 kilometres northwest of Legazpi City.

Mayon is classified by volcanologists as a stratovolcano, or composite volcano. Its symmetric cone was formed through alternate pyroclastic and lava flows.

Mayon is the most active volcano in the country, having erupted over 47 times in the past 400 years. It is located between the Eurasian and the Philippine Plate, at a convergent plate boundary: where a continental plate meets an oceanic plate, the lighter continental plate overrides the oceanic plate, forcing it down; magma is formed where the rock melts. Like other volcanoes located around the rim of the Pacific Ocean, Mayon is a part of the "Pacific Ring of Fire".

It is known and famous as a "Perfect Cone" volcano because of it's almost perfect shape.

facing the thunderstorms...

Dom says: I am having a hard time integrating myself to my community. It seems that I am facing so much difficulty in doing the routines of the structure of the community in each day.

Although there is so much sense of obedience on my part towards the community's customary practice, I can feel an inward sense of reluctance and resistance inside of me of what is going on in the realms of my community.

I am embarrassed because the monks of the community in which I belong is so understanding, kind, and compassionate of my shortcomings and infirmities....

I find it so hard to recall, remember and get into the reality of my past. This gives me so much energy that causes so much exhaustion that ends me to acquiring sleepless nights. Just last night, I was all awake and was only able to get some sleep at 1:15AM in the wee hours of the morning....

This sleep patterns affect my daily integration to the community's customary. Can it be because of the medications that Dr Miller has prescribed me for the injury that I am sustaining now from the motorbike accident?

Can it be because of a residue from the three-month long hibernation that took place while I was undergoing the much needed counseling with Dr Hannah Leigh Bull? ...

Can it be because of the realization of the death of my elder sister Cecilia, which up to now, I still mourn and grieve?

My condition at present is difficult. Just right timing for me to get an email from my ex-girlfriend-turned-best-friend, Eileen. The email has given me so much encouragement and courage to keep going.

From: "Eileen Abustan"

To: "Albert Pilarca"

It says: hi, Remember this and smile ...
A little girl walked to and from school daily. Though the weather that morning was questionable and clouds were forming, she made her daily trek to the elementary school. As the afternoon progressed, the winds whipped up, along with thunder and lightning.
The mother of the little girl felt concerned that her daughter would be frightened as she walked home from school and she herself feared that the electrical storm might harm her child.
Full of concern, the mother quickly got into her car and drove along the route to her child's school. As she did so, she saw her little girl walking along, but at each flash of lightning, the child would stop, look up and smile. Another and another were to follow quickly and with each the little girl would look at the streak of light and smile.
When the mother's car drew up beside the child she lowered the window and called to her, "What are you doing? Why do you keep stopping?"
The child answered, "I am trying to look pretty. God keeps taking my picture."

...May God bless you today as you face the storms that come your way.

Eileen

books of truth and knowledge...

Dom says: There are two books I have in my hand that I consider very important in my life as important as a security blanket because both books hold and contain very important truths and knowledge in relation to my present condition and the present condition of my monastic journey and seminary plight.

The first book in my hand is my journal which I fancily called as 'my redbook'. I began jotting down trivial and significant events of my life in my redbook since the day I stepped my feet in the monastery in year 2002. The other book which carries very significant truth about God and God's Words is my Bible which I fondly called as 'my blackbook'...


Both books are my companions especially now that I am faced with moments in my life when I have to sustain myself with a strange condition that I need to struggle and fight over with.

The Blackbook feeds me with everyday sustenance and strength to carry on with my spiritual journey and with my relationship with God.

The redbook contains past records of people (inside and outside the monastery who includes my family, relatives and friends) who were involved and connected with my life since I entered the monastery in year 2002.

The redbook is also my record of past significant events that re-orient and re-educate me of what went on in the past six years of my life as monk in the monastery where I belong now.

Both books contain salient factual informations that sustain and nourish my mind, my heart and my soul as I go over and manage my life here in the Cloister amidst my present condition.

who wants to talk about death? nobody wants to talk about it....

Dom says: Indeed, nobody really wants to deal with death nor to talk about it. But there are forced moments in our life when death confronts us, and when someone so close to us, or someone in our family, or someone who has been so identified with us, succumbs to death, then we will have no choice but to accept it no matter how it hurts.
Historically, attempts to define the exact moment of death have been problematic. Death was once defined as the cessation of heartbeat (cardiac arrest) and of breathing, but the development of CPR and prompt defibrillation have rendered this definition to be inadequate because breathing and heartbeat can sometimes be restarted.

Today, where a definition of the moment of death is required, doctors usually turn to "brain death" or "biological death": People are considered dead when the electrical activity in their brain ceases. It is presumed that a stoppage of electrical activity indicates the end of consciousness.

Death can be caused by disease, suffocation/asphyxiation or prolonged lack of oxygen to the brain, or physical trauma as a result of an accident, homicide, or suicide. The leading cause of death in developing countries is infectious disease. The leading causes of death in developed countries are atherosclerosis (heart disease and stroke), cancer, and other diseases related to obesity and aging. These conditions cause loss of homeostasis, leading to cardiac arrest, causing loss of oxygen and nutrient supply, causing irreversible deterioration of the brain and other tissues.

With improved medical capability, dying has become a condition to be managed. Home deaths, once normal, are now rare in the developed world. Many leading causes of death can be postponed by diet and physical activity, but the accelerating incidence of disease with age still imposes limits on human longevity.

Death is the center of many traditions and organizations, and is a feature of every culture around the world. Much of this revolves around the care of the dead, as well as the afterlife and the disposal of bodies upon the onset of death. The disposal of human corpses does, in general, begin with the last offices before significant time has passed, and ritualistic ceremonies often occur, most commonly interment or cremation.
Such rituals are accompanied by grief and mourning in almost all cases.

I am offering my deep prayers and contemplation for the eternal repose of the soul of my sister Cecilia. May the Almighty God grant her eternal rest. May she rest in Peace. My grief over her death renders this most fitting and proper offering of this bouquet of flowers from the bottom of my heart.

a foster brother raises a monkbrother...

Dom says: I did not know what to feel when I found out that I have a foster family here in USA! (Thanks to my 'redbook'!) I guess, a mixed-up feeling of gladness and thankfulness!

And that the son of my foster parents emailed me last night to send me the greetings of his parents (my foster parents) and as well as his greetings of peace and love!...

He is JOnathan Hassell, a 29 yr old bachelor who works as Paramedic in one hospital in Fortworth, Texas and is pursuing his course in Anatomy as prelude to his taking Medicine next school year in one of the universities in Galveston Texas, USA.

He mentioned that he is going to spend his summer break in Peru to learn some Spanish the rest of the summer break. He also plans to join me in my 2010 home visit.

The images below show him with his cousin Grant during Grant's wedding ceremony in April (he was Grant's bestman).

Messages that melted my heart…

Dom says:I still vividly remember the exchange of words between me and Eileen on the last day of my stay in the Philippines.

I still can recall what I told her and what she told me in a lengthy talk while I was on my long stop-over in Manila.

I told her: “I’m sorry Eileen! I just want you to know that I’m sorry for all of my shortcomings.” “If only I was brave enough to stand and admit beyond prejudice what I truly felt for you then- this would not have happened. But I know it’s too ate- I have already brought you pains.” I am really sorry for the hurts I’ve caused you all these years.”

Long silence followed. There was only but sobbing from both of us.

Then she broke the silence and said: “I know I have to learn to forgive-” I know I have to move on…but it’s difficult, because it hurts. It hurts so much! Maybe in time. In time….a long silence followed.

Then we shifted out from the mellowdramas to a much lighter talk…The rest of the hours I spent with her was eternity!….

Another long talk that really touched me and melted my heart was with that of a college-friend’s son from my province.

His words still ring in my ears so clearly when he said: ...“Kuya, you said you learned from me-No. I was the one who learned so much from you. You taught me to dream my own dreams. You have shouldered my dream for a long time.

You deserve to have your own dreams Kuya. Whatever happens to me Kuya, wherever I might go- don’t worry! I’m really happy, and Kuya, one more thing- I know you wouldn’t be able to say this to Ate Eileen-because you think it might jeopardize your vocation-that’s why I’ll be the one to say it- Kuya, I know that you love Ate Eileen so much, and I know that she loves you very, very much.

Kuya I’m sorry, I want you to know that I treasure everything that you did for me. 'Thank you' and 'I love you' are not enough to let you know how grateful I am that you have become my brother.

I wasn’t the only one you helped! You did a lot of things for other people here (in the Philippines).

For other Filipinos who are just like us- reaching for the dream of a brighter future for their loved ones!!!

You are not just my brother. You are everybody’s brother! That’s why I’m so proud of you. I’m very proud of you Kuya. I love you so much. Mahal na mahal kita kuya! I know that even though we’re far away from each other, we are solid forever! I know that. Solid Solid…"

These are the exact words I heard from a boy who has been so close to me:... a 24-year old son of my friend and classmate in college! I am just wondering and a little confused and kept asking myself: What have I done to deserve these endearing words from someone who'd just been recently introduced to me? I can't remember really! I am going nuts!...

Goodbye Naga City..So long Philippines, till we meet again in 2010...

Dom says: Leaving my family and my hometown behind for a long travel is not going to be as sad as it will be, because of good memories that I will bring with me on the threshold of my journey.

it is not so sad to say goodbye when you have that hope for a brighter, happier homecoming...




the two most favorite restaurants located in the heart of Naga City that I frequented with my relatives. They cater native fish and seafoods

issues and conflicts resolved...

Dom says: More or less, this was how me and my superior corresponded with each other on issues and conflicts that needed to be attended, which, as a matter of fact, were the reasons why I came back to the Philippines in a short period of time.

This is my email to him:

On 5/10/08, dom lawrence, OSB wrote:

Dear Fr Abbot,

Today is the 10th- The other day, May 8th- I went to the house where my brother and his family lives-
I talked to him. The talk was light at first- then it turned so very heavy- so very emotional--and then it was light again...

The picture below shows me and bernardo (born in November 1946 as what he told me) taken just before we had a small sharing of food which was prepared by his eldest married daughter. I got an ample time to discuss with him the issues and conflicts that concerned me and him in a private room away from his family after our late-lunch.

The conversation was successful- and that he admitted having done the crime to me and thus asked for my forgiveness amidst tears. I left his house almost evening...with so much feeling of relief.

The next day- that was yesterday, May 9th, I met eileen at a big mall called SM Mall of Asia and at a restaurant overlooking Manila Bay, we discussed the issues and conflicts that we had in the past.-

We started the conversation in a casual way over our evening meal of spaghetti-carbonara type of pasta and then after two hours of casual talk, I opened up my purpose of the meeting: She burst into tears- I was teary eyed and a big lump on my throat prevented me from talking but was able to compose myself and stiffen up after awhile and continued talking.

I was able to say what I had to say-asking for her forgiveness for all my misgivings-for everything, misdeeds and whatnot, in the past that I committed which caused her so much pains that she herself had admitted to me has affected her life so much.

After another two hours of very intense and emotional talk, she told me that she was granting me her forgiveness--and Alas! that was the moment when I exploded with tears...of gladness and of relief!....as well as tears of compassion because she told me that although she has granted me forgiveness,- she will continue to struggle against herself -and she told me further that she cannot just forgive herself just like that- not this time; of what she has done to herself: having mothered a daughter from a guy she never have loved- because of resentment and anger, of distress and hatred of what went on in our relationship... However, she told me that she will try to, in the future....

We ended up our talk almost 12 midnight- which started at around 7:45pm last night.

This is eileen (who was born June 4, 1960) and me while having our evening meal:

I already got the original copy of my certificate of Confirmation and Baptism -the ones asked by the seminary for my enrolment --I am coming back home with so much blessings of relief and gladness... Thanks be to God!

I missed you all and will go back home with a bright thought of a continued healing of all these hurts and pains that gripped me for so many many may years....

LOve,
Dom lawrence, OSB

my superior's reply:
5/10/08
Dear Dom Lawrence,

Blessings to you! I am here in Italy at the moment and just received your e-mail, which touched the very depths of my soul.

I am so happy for you and for your brother, Bernardo, and also for Eileen.

How difficult this has been for all of you and how healing it can be if you keep it all in our Lord Jesus Christ.


Forgiveness is such a wonderful gift for all of us and it can do the healing of all of our brokenness.

It will still take time for that healing to deepen itself within you and it will take time for that forgiveness to reform that brokenness of all that has happened.

But that forgiveness can be the basis of learning how to relate with every person in your life.

May the Lord give you so many graces from these encounters and draw you deep into His heart, which is compassion, love and forgiveness.

I send you my love and prayers and a HUGE HUG.

Your brother in the Lord,

Abbot Philip

revealing the wounds, unleashing the terrors...

@1:49PM of Tuesday USA Time Dom says: I have a confession to make.....
My father died in year 1989. I was teaching at San Beda then. His medical history still lingers in my memory vividly. It only started with a stroke which turned out to be very fatal that caused his right symmetrical body, from head to foot, to be totally paralyzed.

The effects of the stroke was indeed fatal as he was bedridden from then on. His paralyzed body made him stuck himself to bed from the day of the stroke to the day of his last breath after almost ten years.
He was bedridden for 10 long years and at the last quarter of the 10th year of his physical condition, he passed away quietly and unnoticed. His death was discovered not until after several hours of lying lifeless on his bed.

I remember that day when I received a telegram from one of my elder brothers pronouncing his death. I did not understand my feelings then. I felt so mixed up with feelings of sigh, not with sadness and grief, but a strange feeling that made me felt so exasperated. I wanted so much to talk to him. But it’s too late. He was dead.

On the first night of my father’s wake, I felt a deep feeling of repulsion. I felt so much disbelief. This couldn‘t be happening. For several hours, I just kept weeping, crying, howling and unleashing the hurts and pains from deep within me.

I was howling incessantly in front of my father’s wake because I was very angry.
Why did he have to die when I had not yet confronted him of what he had done to me when I was 10 years old?

Why did you have to die when you had not yet asked me for forgiveness from the physical pains that you had inflicted on my helpless tender body?

Why did you have to die when I had not yet expressed the hurt and pain that you had caused me every time you would spank me and hit hard my buttocks with your leather belt while you forefully made me to lie down on my stomach and my hands tied by a rope on a wooden bench in the basement of our house? I couldn't count anymore how many un-reconstructive scars I sustained in my behind from your countless beltings and beatings.

Why did you have to die when I had not yet asked you why, after hitting me with your belt, you forced my bruised body and locked me up inside the giant-sized aparador (wardrobe cabinet) filled with my sisters’ collection of tiny chinky-eyed weird dolls, that in the eyes and mind of a young boy who was filled with terror, would come to life and scare him to death and fright?

Why did you have to die when you had not shown me yet what a loving and protective father you should have been, but instead, had never ever shown any single act of caress and love like giving me a tight bear hug, or a loving pat on my shoulder, or just a mere clasp of a comforting and defending hand?....

I must admit that my father has caused me very deep wounds that I hid all these years and pretended as if there was nothing wrong within me.
I needed to hide my passion for anger, and pains from my wounds, because I needed to survive life in the city.

I needed to live life although deep inside, I was feeling dead from pain. And that death within me cost so much pains that I unknowingly had given to my intimate relationships with all the girls who loved me, and whom I loved too, but in the end, such relationships went to the rocks.

I had to set aside the pains from the wounds that my father created in me because I needed to tend my aging mother. I needed to tend my own life to survive the demands of a citylife.

When I entered Religious life, I underwent rigid monastic training and formation, and part of it was to confront myself, making myself aware and recognize my own passions. The passions of anger, irritation, fear, self-pity and retaliation had to be addressed properly as they affect my relationships with the members of my community.

I needed to undergo a certain process and every process was indeed very difficult. I spent almost seven years now inside the monastery, since I entered in year 2002, trying to confront and overcome my fears, face my anger, and overthrow my traumas, pains and my hurts. But the results were considerably not that successful. I still continued to get hurt, pained , and get angry in the process of my assimilation and integration with the members of my community.

I almost gave up. I almost left the monastery. But God is very good and merciful. He always has His own ways to keep His faithful servant in His midst.

So, in the advent of my fast approaching entry to the Seminary in August of this year for my Priesthood formation, I came to a decision, based from the day-to-day consequences of my dealings with my community brothers inside the monastery, to seek and submit myself of relevant and proper treatment from a professional counselor-therapist.

That’s why I had to drive myself out from the monastery every Monday of the week since February 19th for the counseling sessions. The counseling process was very exhausting and energy draining as I was asked to recall and re-live, and even to the point of dramatizing the actual incidents of the worst from the worsts that my father did to me at my tender age of ten.

After a series of sessions, if I am not mistaken, yesterday’s session was the 8th week, I finally yielded to a decision: to go back home, visit my father’s grave, talk to him, face my fears, and grant him my forgiveness from the years of physical abuse that he inflicted on me in my childhood years. Then and only then that I can start anew and live life with peace as I enter another challenging phase of my Religious life inside the Seminary.

Likewise, I needed to go back home and find the woman who has suffered so much pain in her heart from my irrational treatments, and ask her for forgiveness. Then and only then that I can start breathe anew, bury the hatchets and close the chapters of my past.

I have booked my round-trip flight tickets yesterday after I arrived from my recent session with my counselor. Because of her recommendations my Abbot superior gave me permission to go back home.

I am flying back home on Tuesday of next week to face my fears…to resolve my pains...to kill my anger...to end the nightmares...to grant forgiveness...to seek for forgiveness and to come back whole again with peace in my heart! So, please pray for me that God may help me carry this out successfully throughout this trip!

Below is a copy of my flight itinerary:

Traveling to Manila, Philippines
Tue 22-Apr-08
Albuquerque (ABQ)Depart 3:20 pm to Los Angeles (LAX)Arrive 4:20 pm
677 mi(1,090 km)Duration: 2hr 0mn
UA Flight: 6471 Operated by: /UNITED EXPRESS/SKYWEST
3Economy/Coach Class ( 06B ), Canadair RJ

Los Angeles (LAX)Depart 10:35 pm to Agana (GUAM)Arrive 3:30 am +2 days
6,082 mi(9,788 km)Duration: 11hr 55mn
Philippine Airlines PR Flight: 103
3Economy/Coach Class ( Seat assignments upon check-in More Information ), Boeing 747-400
Thu 24-Apr-08

Agana (GUAM)Depart 4:20 am to Manila (MNL)Arrive 5:55 am
1,596 mi(2,569 km)Duration: 3hr 35mn
Philippine AirlinesPR Flight: 103
3Economy/Coach Class ( Seat assignments upon check-in More Information ), Boeing 747-400
Total distance: 8,355 mi (13,446 km)
Total duration: 17hr 30mn (24hr 35mn with connections)

Traveling to Los Angeles, USAFri 16-May-08
Manila (MNL)Depart 10:00 pm to Los Angeles (LAX)Arrive 8:05 pm
7,296 mi(11,742 km)Duration: 13hr 5mn
PR Flight: 102
3Economy/Coach Class ( Seat assignments upon check-in More Information ), Boeing 747-400
Total distance: 7,296 mi (11,742 km)
Total duration: 13hr 5mn

Traveling to Albuquerque, New MexicoSat 17-May-08
Los Angeles (LAX)Depart 6:00 am to Albuquerque (ABQ)Arrive 8:48 am
677 mi(1,090 km)Duration: 1hr 48mn
UA Flight: 6472 Operated by: /UNITED EXPRESS/SKYWEST

service...

Woaaaaaahhhh I was asleep for some unholy hours and here's my buddy with his updates...Ey, I don't want to let him feel that I am off-tangent but I love posting updates of this kind of genre (notwishtanding the fact that my buddy is such a pious and holy figure in the points of view of people and God) and that I am abandoning him to Gbex, so lemme post for your delight some issues about service to our country in a different angle and perspective! and so here it is...

Generally, a soldier is
1. One who serves in an army.
2. An enlisted person or a noncommissioned officer.
3. An active, loyal, or militant follower of an organization.

They are also knows as the...
Gurkha - a member of the Nepalese force that has been part of the British army for 200 years; known for fierceness in combat

Anzac - a soldier in the Australian and New Zealand army corps during World War I
cannon fodder, fodder, fresh fish - soldiers who are regarded as expendable in the face of artillery fire

cavalryman, trooper - a soldier mounted on horseback; "a cavalryman always takes good care of his mount"

cavalryman, trooper - a soldier in a motorized army unit

color bearer, standard-bearer - the soldier who carries the standard of the unit in military parades or in battle

Confederate soldier - a soldier in the Army of the Confederacy during the American Civil War

lobsterback, redcoat - British soldier; so-called because of his red coat (especially during the American Revolution)

enlisted person - a serviceman who ranks below a commissioned officer

flanker - a soldier who is a member of a detachment assigned to guard the flanks of a military formation

goldbrick - a soldier who performs his duties without proper care or effort

Green Beret - a soldier who is a member of the United States Army Special Forces

guardsman - a soldier who is a member of a unit called `the guard' or `guards'

Highlander - a soldier in a Scottish regiment from the Highlands

foot soldier, footslogger, infantryman, marcher - fights on foot with small arms

Janissary - a Turkish soldier

jawan - (India) a private soldier or male constable

legionary, legionnaire - a soldier who is a member of a legion (especially the French Foreign Legion)

man-at-arms - a heavily armed and mounted soldier in medieval times

marine - a soldier who serves both on shipboard and on land

militiaman - a member of the militia; serves only during emergencies

orderly - a soldier who serves as an attendant to a superior officer; "the orderly laid out the general's uniform"

paratrooper, para - a soldier in the paratroops

peacekeeper - a member of a military force that is assigned (often with international sanction) to preserve peace in a trouble area

pistoleer - someone armed with a pistol (especially a soldier so armed)

poilu - a French soldier (especially in World War I)

point man - a soldier who goes ahead of a patrol

ranker - an enlisted soldier who serves in the ranks of the armed forces

regular - a soldier in the regular army

reservist - a member of a military reserve

rifleman - a soldier whose weapon is a rifle

Section Eight - a soldier who received a Section Eight discharge as unfit for military service

tank driver, tanker - a soldier who drives a tank

territorial - nonprofessional soldier member of a territorial military unit

Unknown Soldier - an unidentified soldier whose body is honored as a memorial

Wac - a member of the Women's Army Corps

Uriah - (Old Testament) the husband of Bathsheba and a soldier who was sent to die in battle so that king David could marry his wife (circa 10th century BC)

meaning of life...

What is the meaning of life? It depends on what you mean by "meaning." If you mean where did we come from, that's a metaphysical, religious, or spiritual question. If you mean what is the purpose of living, or how should we live our lives, the answer depends on who you ask.

In the East, some of our ancestors believed in:
a. karma, i.e., every action has a natural consequence
b. constant self-improvement to become perfect
c. moderation in all things
d. respect for others
e. kindness toward those less fortunate
f. formal education to get better jobs
g. proper behavior leading to success in life and to the afterlife
h. respect for elders in exchange for generosity to the youth
i. respect for government in exchange for ruling for the people
j. excellence in kindness, knowledge, and manners

In the West, some of our ancestors believed in:
a. proper diet and exercise to improve the body
b. formal studies to improve the mind
c. music appreciation to improve the emotions
d. equal treatment of women
e. limiting alcohol, swearing, silliness, excess, and illegal sex
f. knowledge and wisdom leading to happiness
g. honesty, peacefulness, order, cheerfulness, and moderation
h. self-restraint, generosity, and courage leading to happiness
i. emotional detachment from material things
j. fairness, bravery, self-discipline, and self-sacrifice

WHAT IS THE MEANING OF LIFE?
1. Survival and Temporal Success-To survive, exist in time, and reproduce if possible before death.

2. Wisdom and Knowledge- To gain as much wisdom and knowledge as possible.

3. Ethical- To treat others with compassion. To work for justice and freedom.

4. Religious and Spiritual- To please God and to enjoy the afterlife. To be the best you can.

5. Philosophical- To benefit the human species or all life forms. To maximize happiness or minimize pain. Or, there is no purpose to life.

6. Other- To fulfill your dreams.

What is the purpose of your life? Do you have one? More than one? Too many? Is your purpose anything more than your life goals? Does your purpose match any of the ones listed above?

contrast in lifestyle....

@ 8:40 Am, Tuesday of Holy Week, Dom says: "While Gbex is taking a weeklong hibernation in Bicol Region (he may surely be back online on Monday of next week, I will grab the chance to fill out posts here at Gbex... posts that I just couldn't post in my other blog."

Life is continuously evolving. If one does not evolve in this world of certainties and uncertainties, then I should say he is dead.

We all live in moments of time that treats us with different approches and lifestyles. I remember when I was just an ordinary guy out there, you would never see me inside my house during these Season of the year. I still vividly recall during Holy Mondays, I was one of the countless bus passengers lining up in the wee hours of Holy Monday early morning at a bus station terminal in Taft Avenue corner Gil Puyat, Manila Phils. waiting for the first trip bound to Pier of Batangas for my Holy Week sojourn at Puerto Galera in the island of Mindoro.

Those were the days when I would spend the whole day in the beach, or in makeshift restaurants along the seashore of White Beach Mindoro, taking time , wasting time, chatting with new found friends, being teased for my kind of physique.

Those were the days when I would take a nightswim in the sea with friends and play tug of war with them on the shoreline then afterwards would score the length of the shoreline peeping on lovers or just simply would get flirted on by girls (and the-straight-acting gays as well).

Those were the days when I would uninhibitedly walk along the shore clad only in skimpy trunks for a day's walk and sunbath or a night swim to unleash the heat.... and get cruised by courageous girls who were just ready for anything in bed.

Gone are those days when I would sit on top of boulders and rocks along the seashore that protrude while enjoying the cool breeze of the summer wind in White Beach Mindoro and would engage in an endless talk with a buddy or friend.

Those were the days when I would party all Saturday nightlong and will stay on the dance floor dancing the disco fever until the disco house closes for the 5:00Am closing time and then would go straight to the nearest church and hear the early morning Sunday Mass.

Those were the days...Gone are those days!

Now, my life has turned a clear three hundred degrees...
From a life of so much flesh and pleasures of the body into a life of prayer and work for a spiritual joy and worth.

A life that is so simple yet so fulfilled. A life that is so austere yet so much filled with spiritual richness and peace.

Do you want to join (the unmarried guys only) me in my walk with life towards God, to God and God alone?
Do you want to join me in my monastic journey? It's never too late for you buddy! You can be a monk too, no matter who you were, no matter what you did, and no matter what places of pleasures you've been to in the past. God will surely welcome you with wide stretched arms!