revealing the wounds, unleashing the terrors...

@1:49PM of Tuesday USA Time Dom says: I have a confession to make.....
My father died in year 1989. I was teaching at San Beda then. His medical history still lingers in my memory vividly. It only started with a stroke which turned out to be very fatal that caused his right symmetrical body, from head to foot, to be totally paralyzed.

The effects of the stroke was indeed fatal as he was bedridden from then on. His paralyzed body made him stuck himself to bed from the day of the stroke to the day of his last breath after almost ten years.
He was bedridden for 10 long years and at the last quarter of the 10th year of his physical condition, he passed away quietly and unnoticed. His death was discovered not until after several hours of lying lifeless on his bed.

I remember that day when I received a telegram from one of my elder brothers pronouncing his death. I did not understand my feelings then. I felt so mixed up with feelings of sigh, not with sadness and grief, but a strange feeling that made me felt so exasperated. I wanted so much to talk to him. But it’s too late. He was dead.

On the first night of my father’s wake, I felt a deep feeling of repulsion. I felt so much disbelief. This couldn‘t be happening. For several hours, I just kept weeping, crying, howling and unleashing the hurts and pains from deep within me.

I was howling incessantly in front of my father’s wake because I was very angry.
Why did he have to die when I had not yet confronted him of what he had done to me when I was 10 years old?

Why did you have to die when you had not yet asked me for forgiveness from the physical pains that you had inflicted on my helpless tender body?

Why did you have to die when I had not yet expressed the hurt and pain that you had caused me every time you would spank me and hit hard my buttocks with your leather belt while you forefully made me to lie down on my stomach and my hands tied by a rope on a wooden bench in the basement of our house? I couldn't count anymore how many un-reconstructive scars I sustained in my behind from your countless beltings and beatings.

Why did you have to die when I had not yet asked you why, after hitting me with your belt, you forced my bruised body and locked me up inside the giant-sized aparador (wardrobe cabinet) filled with my sisters’ collection of tiny chinky-eyed weird dolls, that in the eyes and mind of a young boy who was filled with terror, would come to life and scare him to death and fright?

Why did you have to die when you had not shown me yet what a loving and protective father you should have been, but instead, had never ever shown any single act of caress and love like giving me a tight bear hug, or a loving pat on my shoulder, or just a mere clasp of a comforting and defending hand?....

I must admit that my father has caused me very deep wounds that I hid all these years and pretended as if there was nothing wrong within me.
I needed to hide my passion for anger, and pains from my wounds, because I needed to survive life in the city.

I needed to live life although deep inside, I was feeling dead from pain. And that death within me cost so much pains that I unknowingly had given to my intimate relationships with all the girls who loved me, and whom I loved too, but in the end, such relationships went to the rocks.

I had to set aside the pains from the wounds that my father created in me because I needed to tend my aging mother. I needed to tend my own life to survive the demands of a citylife.

When I entered Religious life, I underwent rigid monastic training and formation, and part of it was to confront myself, making myself aware and recognize my own passions. The passions of anger, irritation, fear, self-pity and retaliation had to be addressed properly as they affect my relationships with the members of my community.

I needed to undergo a certain process and every process was indeed very difficult. I spent almost seven years now inside the monastery, since I entered in year 2002, trying to confront and overcome my fears, face my anger, and overthrow my traumas, pains and my hurts. But the results were considerably not that successful. I still continued to get hurt, pained , and get angry in the process of my assimilation and integration with the members of my community.

I almost gave up. I almost left the monastery. But God is very good and merciful. He always has His own ways to keep His faithful servant in His midst.

So, in the advent of my fast approaching entry to the Seminary in August of this year for my Priesthood formation, I came to a decision, based from the day-to-day consequences of my dealings with my community brothers inside the monastery, to seek and submit myself of relevant and proper treatment from a professional counselor-therapist.

That’s why I had to drive myself out from the monastery every Monday of the week since February 19th for the counseling sessions. The counseling process was very exhausting and energy draining as I was asked to recall and re-live, and even to the point of dramatizing the actual incidents of the worst from the worsts that my father did to me at my tender age of ten.

After a series of sessions, if I am not mistaken, yesterday’s session was the 8th week, I finally yielded to a decision: to go back home, visit my father’s grave, talk to him, face my fears, and grant him my forgiveness from the years of physical abuse that he inflicted on me in my childhood years. Then and only then that I can start anew and live life with peace as I enter another challenging phase of my Religious life inside the Seminary.

Likewise, I needed to go back home and find the woman who has suffered so much pain in her heart from my irrational treatments, and ask her for forgiveness. Then and only then that I can start breathe anew, bury the hatchets and close the chapters of my past.

I have booked my round-trip flight tickets yesterday after I arrived from my recent session with my counselor. Because of her recommendations my Abbot superior gave me permission to go back home.

I am flying back home on Tuesday of next week to face my fears…to resolve my pains...to kill my anger...to end the nightmares...to grant forgiveness...to seek for forgiveness and to come back whole again with peace in my heart! So, please pray for me that God may help me carry this out successfully throughout this trip!

Below is a copy of my flight itinerary:

Traveling to Manila, Philippines
Tue 22-Apr-08
Albuquerque (ABQ)Depart 3:20 pm to Los Angeles (LAX)Arrive 4:20 pm
677 mi(1,090 km)Duration: 2hr 0mn
UA Flight: 6471 Operated by: /UNITED EXPRESS/SKYWEST
3Economy/Coach Class ( 06B ), Canadair RJ

Los Angeles (LAX)Depart 10:35 pm to Agana (GUAM)Arrive 3:30 am +2 days
6,082 mi(9,788 km)Duration: 11hr 55mn
Philippine Airlines PR Flight: 103
3Economy/Coach Class ( Seat assignments upon check-in More Information ), Boeing 747-400
Thu 24-Apr-08

Agana (GUAM)Depart 4:20 am to Manila (MNL)Arrive 5:55 am
1,596 mi(2,569 km)Duration: 3hr 35mn
Philippine AirlinesPR Flight: 103
3Economy/Coach Class ( Seat assignments upon check-in More Information ), Boeing 747-400
Total distance: 8,355 mi (13,446 km)
Total duration: 17hr 30mn (24hr 35mn with connections)

Traveling to Los Angeles, USAFri 16-May-08
Manila (MNL)Depart 10:00 pm to Los Angeles (LAX)Arrive 8:05 pm
7,296 mi(11,742 km)Duration: 13hr 5mn
PR Flight: 102
3Economy/Coach Class ( Seat assignments upon check-in More Information ), Boeing 747-400
Total distance: 7,296 mi (11,742 km)
Total duration: 13hr 5mn

Traveling to Albuquerque, New MexicoSat 17-May-08
Los Angeles (LAX)Depart 6:00 am to Albuquerque (ABQ)Arrive 8:48 am
677 mi(1,090 km)Duration: 1hr 48mn
UA Flight: 6472 Operated by: /UNITED EXPRESS/SKYWEST